Road rage explained and textified: This is why I cry at stoplights.
Miami drivers have their phones to their ear and their heads up their ass, but they are not the only reason it genuinely sucks to drive around here.
Sometimes it has nothing to do with the drivers themselves, but the incredibly high degree of absolutely-mindbogglingly-WOW-YOU’RE-STUPID-stupidity that the people who are merely walking actually possess.
This is not a new sentiment by any means, but I think it’s time to put all the reasons why pedestrians can kiss my ass on the table. If this applies to you, what follows may save your life.
Unacceptable Act of Pedestrian #1: The Windshield Stare Down
Some pedestrians find it necessary to send bone-melting X-ray beams through my windshield if I am approaching a stop sign while they happen to be walking across that very intersection.
I suppose that If I were walking across the street and a car came barreling towards a stop sign as if the people inside just ate $500 worth of fried rice at China Grill and ditched the bill, I too would perhaps stare into the driver’s eyes as if to say, “It would really blow to be charged with vehicular manslaughter.”
But, chances are that someone who just ate and ran on that much of a bill doesn’t give two shits about a stop sign. In which case, I’d be dead and have no time for staring in windshields at people.
That said, don’t stare at me.
This is why:
1. I’m not blind. Yes, I did see you. You were already half way safely across the street before I even got to the stop sign, of course I saw you and I plan on letting you pass.
2. WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
Unacceptable Act of Pedestrian #2: The Vacation Stroll
OH MY GOD get out of the way. There is slow, and then there is my horrible hair cut that I just got 4 minutes ago that I’m still crying alone in the car about grew out by the time you crossed the road.
This action also includes the mentality that, “I’m hot and wearing skimpy clothes and strappy stilettos at 10 in the morning, so I can take my time getting out of your way, because I rule the universe with the swipe of my black AMEX.”
You might not look so hot plastered on the grill of my 96’ Celica.
YOU might be on vacation, but I am not. YOU might not have a care in the world, but I do. YOU might have just seen a cloud that looks like a fatter Ashley Olsen having a tea party with a dragon made out of legos, but I don’t care.
I wouldn’t complain about this if it was something that I too was guilty of, but I’m not. You know why? Because I have more than four brain cells and the capacity to understand that I am not a princess and maybe people have things to do instead of watch me make my way across the street.
Unacceptable Act of Pedestrian #3:The Lincoln Meridian
The stop lights at the intersection of Lincoln Road and Meridian Avenue may as well be octagonal screens with wait times on them. Sure, Lincoln Road is a mall, but people seem to forget that it is also OUTDOORS and that cars travel on streets punctuated with colorful lights that tell drivers when to stop or go and, in general, green to the driver means go and a big red hand means don’t walk because you’ll die. The pedestrians at Lincoln and Meridian are a different breed of pedestrian - one that regularly laughs in the face of Death.
Unacceptable Act of Pedestrian #4: The Catch Up With an Old Friend
In the middle of the street. (Coupled with zero flinching at oncoming vehicle spotted in periphery.)
Unacceptable Act of Pedestrian #5: The Perma Pedestrian
Yep, I’m talking about the guy standing there with a “God Bless” sign. This is not an attempt at bum bashing and I’m not trying to sound all, “GET A JOB,” but I do mean, “Get out of the way, and don’t stare at me.”
I know it must be uncomfortable to sleep in the rain, but ever since the “Got any coffee change?” lady totally forgot me from one day to the next, even though I brought her delicious, filling and let’s not forget free pitas every day for a week, I have little sympathy. Here I thought I could really make a difference by at the very least hooking this woman up with a hot meal, but she forgot about the food probably the moment I turned my back, and instantly reverted to asking me for money. I’m no savior, and I know that now.
I guess what I’m saying is, if you’re going to ask for money, could you refrain from using a busy street light as your spot? The last thing I need on my conscience is failing to offer you the spare change I don’t have and then running you over by mistake.
All in all, if one puts drivers and pedestrians together and allows them to work together, it’s a wonder anyone can get anywhere in this city.
Individualism is important, especially here in the good old USA, but no one cares about anyone anymore, and it’s getting really freaking annoying and is almost impossible to tolerate. Common courtesy has been replaced with a general “SCREW YOU” attitude, and it’s disconcerting and really sad. How anyone feigns a smile in anything closely resembling customer service is insane to me. A person can only deal with so many entitled assholes in a given period of time.
One day I’ll wake up and suddenly everyone will be over themselves. This day being the day I die, probably. Till then, I’ll have to deal.
